iBelieve

Immediately the boy’s father exclaimed, “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!” Mark 9:24

Archive for the tag “Infertility”

Motherhood


I could only imagine what motherhood was like so I planted a garden.

I dug into the earth with my shovel and pushed it as deep as I could with the help of my foot buried inside a steel-toed shoe. Mindfully in the moment, I heard the melodious crunching sound the shovel made as it sliced into the dirt hitting buried rocks and matured roots from past plantings. The sound exhumed memories of watching my dad dig up space for a garden in the backyard when I was a kid. I dug shovelful after shovelful of earth and flipped it upon itself and worked the soil into a place of new beginnings.

Backyard nesting and oh, that fresh dirt smell.

As I made my way down the aisles at the garden store, I found a large selection of Knockout Roses. I felt like I was peering into the hospital newborn nursery window as I looked at rows and rows of rose bushes. Each rose similar in species had a unique look. I reached down and gently pulled out the one from the group that resembled me and put it on my cart. As a new mom, I was sure to gather together the potting soil and nutrients my budding plant would need to flourish in the space I had prepared.

I dug out a space to fit the rootball and added weed-killing plant food to the hole. I talked to the new rose bush, attempting to ease its fear of change leaving the pot it was grown in and introduced it to my yard. I loosened its roots so it could feel its way into the new space and feel at home too. I filled new soil around the root and pressed it into the earth. Wearing a new mother’s glow, I knelt down next to the rose and said, “Welcome to my yard; welcome to my life! Enjoy your first refreshing drink of water from the garden hose.”

This was a process repeated five more times.

I observed mothers who put their all into raising their offspring. That selfless act was revealed in the maturity of their children at an early age. In a similar fashion, I put in a lot of time and energy into warding off weeds so they would not interfere with the growth of my roses.

My garden was spoiled.

I fertilized and watered and the sun was my daycare provider. Here they are a year later! Oh, how my babies have grown!!

1st Birthday

I could only imagine what motherhood was like, so I planted a garden.

Psalm 144:9-14 (NIV)

I will sing a new song to you, my God;
    on the ten-stringed lyre I will make music to you,
10 to the One who gives victory to kings,
    who delivers his servant David.

From the deadly sword 11 deliver me;
    rescue me from the hands of foreigners
whose mouths are full of lies,
    whose right hands are deceitful.

12 Then our sons in their youth
    will be like well-nurtured plants,
and our daughters will be like pillars
    carved to adorn a palace.
13 Our barns will be filled
    with every kind of provision.
Our sheep will increase by thousands,
    by tens of thousands in our fields;
14     our oxen will draw heavy loads.[a]
There will be no breaching of walls,
    no going into captivity,
    no cry of distress in our streets.

 

Where Faith Grows


A man told me love would last until death stole our breath.
We divorced; I lost faith in love.

My body failed to produce a child of my own.
I am infertile; I lost faith in family.

Terrorists flew planes into a building and thousands of lives were lost in one day.
In fear; I lost faith in man.

At each loss, I scream, “Why?!” I opened the Bible and found comfort…

Do not remember the sins of my youth and my rebellious ways; according to your love remember me, for you, LORD, are good. PSALM 25:7
I have faith in unconditional love.

Sing barren woman, you who never bore a child, burst into song, shout for joy, you who were never in labor; because more are the children of the desolte woman than of her who has a husband,” says the LORD. ISAIAH 54:1-3
Be glad, barren woman, you who never bore a child; shout for joy and cry aloud, you who were never in labor; because more are the children of the desolate woman than of her who has a husband. GALATIONS 4:27
I have faith in family even if it does not come from my own DNA. The same message is given in the Old Testament and the New Testament…God is good.

For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. JOHN 3:16
I have faith in Jesus.

This is the role that faith played in my life. Faith continues to grow.

That’s It!


My mood shifted negatively as I turned the calendar over from October to November.  How can I feel positive knowing that date is just a few days away?

That date is November 9; forever etched as a scar on my belly.  That spot where the majority of women, deserving and non-deserving, usually have stretch marks from the precious life that grew inside of them for 9 months.

November 9, 1992.  Sure, I can give you definitions for words such as barren and infertile, but it is the emotional experience that cannot be defined or explained.  My infertility was unexpected and it felt like my “dirty little secret” because nobody understood the pain I was going through, so I kept it to myself.  I was hesitant to share my story with the members of a web-based support group called ChildlessNotByChoice which, by the grace of God, I found while surfing in 2002.  For the past ten years, with the help of this website, I have been slowly making peace with infertility.

I was raised in a Christian home and attended private schools and I thought I knew God.  However, I have begun to sit at the foot of the cross naming and claiming the pain of infertility.  From somewhere deep inside me, that place invisible to any high-powered MRI machine, I scream out to God telling Him how unfruitful and unproductive my life feels.  Then God takes His hand to my chin, lifts up my face to meet His, gently wipes the tears from my eyes and says, “Kristine, that’s it!  Now we can begin.”

Isaiah 43:10-11 New Living Translation (NLT)

“But you are my witnesses, O Israel!” says the Lord.  “You are my servant.  You have been chosen to know me, believe in me, and understand that I alone am God. There is no other God–there never has been, and there never will be. I, yes I, am the Lord, and there is no other Savior.

Life Scenes


There is a pounding in the chest,
a faucet at the pores,
a deflated self-confidence,
a slow dance viewed from the wall.

There is a brightness so blinding,
a boom so deafening,
a chatterbox so muting,
a relationship that lives in abuse.

There is a movement in the lawn,
a bird in the tree,
a squirrel on the fence,
a cat in quest of a hunt.

There is a vacancy in the womb,
a longing to conceive,
a desperation to pro-create,
a prohibiting reminder that is flowing.

There is a machine to purify,
a food consumption ritual,
a phone call in the night,
a kidney that is ready for new life.

There is a forgiveness freely given,
a peace beyond understanding,
a hope not of this world,
a name that is written in the Book of Life.

Perseverance


Perseverance is as unique as each individual.

As well as many other women, I am infertile.  I persevere to find meaning in life as a non-mother, while other women may persevere the legal hoops and red-tape to be an adoptive parent. Neither reaction is wrong, but we continue to persevere.

People diagnosed with cancer persevere to live one more day while researchers and doctors persevere to find a cure. A baby learning to walk perseveres each new step stronger than the last. The alcoholic perseveres sobriety. Mother Teresa persevered a lifetime of feeling that God had abandoned her.

Perseverance is as unique as we are unique to each other. If you notice someone having a rough day, go easy on them. You never know what they are in the middle of persevering.

James 1:4 NIV

Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

Unconventional Mother’s Day


Infertility erases Mother’s Day from the calendar.

No handmade cards or hand-picked dandelions from the yard.

No messy kitchen or breakfast in bed.

No mother’s ring on my finger.

 

Infertility opens doors to nurture.

Instinctively the young know who will care for them.

Mother’s day has special meaning.

Psalm 119:76 (NIV)

 

 May your unfailing love be my comfort, according to your promise to your servant.

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