When I wrote my first Late Night Visitor post on April 10, 2019, I didn’t know it would become so important in my grief process and become a series of posts. If you are grieving, I hope each entry has helped you in your walk with grief as it has helped me to get it out of my head.
In that first entry, grief came to me in the middle of the night, standing next to a large suitcase and without a return ticket from where it came.
Recently grief, ignoring the shelter-in-place orders and social distancing regulations, has invited anxiety and panic into my home. They follow me around and have been known to hold my hands, whisper lies in my ear, and wake me out of a sound sleep. So annoying.
As they hold my hands, I am not able to clasp them together to make praying hands. I cannot lift them up to the heavens to give God praise and honor He rightly deserves.
The whispers in my ears I know are blatant lies, but they are said over and over and over especially when I am alone. And during this pandemic, I am alone a lot of the time; I started to believe this negative one-way conversation. As they whisper in my ear, they grip my throat in a way that it tightens and my breathing becomes shallow.
From my experience, anxiety and panic are nocturnal too. Their most active time is around 2:30 in the morning while I am sound asleep. They poke and prod at me. They continue the negative whispers in my ear and in the silence of the night, it rings louder. I lose about 1.5 hours of sleep because of their active lifestyle.
I alone do not have the strength it takes to fight these enemies. I am weak and powerless on my own when grief and its friends, anxiety, and panic, gang up on me. But even when my hands are constrained and my throat feels tight and my breathing is shallow, I can find it within me to whisper four syllables, “Jesus, help me” and I am no longer alone.
Listen to my cry, for I am in need; rescue me from those who pursue me, for they are too strong for me. Set me free from my prison, that I may praise your name.
Jesus brings His army of angels to fight these battles for me. They rush in and unbind my hands and they force the grip away from my throat.
The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.”
I cannot see the spiritual war going on around me, but I know angels are present and God’s peace covers me like a blanket. Suddenly my hands are lifted high as my heart and mind recall what I know about my relationship with God…
I am a child of the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords. I have Jesus Christ living inside of me. My God has promised to meet every one of my needs and He is right here with me at this moment.
If you are bound by grief, anxiety, and panic, know that you too can cry out to Jesus for this same protection. You are not alone.
My aunt passed away yesterday on the most beautiful, blue-skied sunny day of May. There were no clouds in her way when her spirit met with Jesus and together they soared up to heaven to meet her husband, her baby boy, and all the family and friends who have gone before her. Her 93-year-old body has been vacated. She can breathe, walk, run, and move freely forever in the light of Christ.
The funeral will be small, holding to the group size restrictions during the pandemic. Not all of her immediate family will be in the same room to gather for the final blessings, but they will be near by. The grief felt at a funeral is temporarily snuffed out by a hug; however, there will be no touching and the face masks worn will double as tissue.
I grieve with my cousins, their spouses, and the grandchildren. From my own experience, I know the feeling of being an orphan and losing the matriarch of the family. It feels so unnatural to not be there to hug each cousin, kiss my aunt on the forehead and wish her godspeed.
my eyes grow weak with sorrow,
my soul and body with grief.
Living with grief takes a toll on one’s emotions, health, and spiritual life. There is a time to mourn just as there is a time to laugh; so I had an idea. I put grief and joy in the same room with me (with 6 feet separation and we are all wearing masks). Here is what happened.
Grief: “Hi Kristine, are you going to introduce me to your friend?”
Me: “Hi Grief. Yes, I am going to introduce you to my friend. Grief, this is Joy, Joy this is Grief.”
(Neither can they shake hands, nor can they see a smile on each other’s face, so they nod to each other.)
Joy: “Hello, Grief.
Grief: “Hello, Joy.”
Me: “Grief, Joy, I brought you two together because I need you to know that you both exist in my life. Grief, you and I were spending way too much time together and it was taking a toll on my concentration. I had some negative comments when you were at your peak, but not everyone knows how tight we have been and it just looked like I was not on my game. I was reading the Bible one day and I met Joy.
As the Bible states in Ecclesiastes 3:4 it is okay that both of you are in my life. The verse says, “a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance”. I don’t always want to be sad and I don’t always feel like laughing or dancing, but whatever emotion I want to feel, I need you two to respect, as well as, get out of the way of the other. I would like to send you away, Grief, but Jesus said that in this world we will have trouble, but He has overcome the world and that is why Joy needs to step in between us more often. I am hanging onto Jesus’s promises rather than settling in with sadness. Jesus overcoming this world is really good news for me because I cannot do this alone or with my own strength.”
Living with grief takes a toll on one’s emotions, health, and spiritual life. Let Jesus in with the joy He has in store for you and watch your emotions, health, and spiritual life be rejuvenated.
My drive to work is a leisurely 25 mph around 7 a.m. through an affluent residential neighborhood. Some houses along the route illumine against the dark winter morning sky. Families are waking at this hour and because they do not have window coverings, I am allowed a glimpse of their morning routine.
For example, I pass a house with a little child pushed up close to the table in a high chair sitting to the left of an adult at the head of the table. The adult is feeding the child, which to most of you reading this is no big deal. One of those, “been there, done that” moments in life. But I was never blessed with a child and this is a moment I can only imagine taking place in my kitchen.
Each morning, I eat breakfast alone.
I am not desperate enough for breakfast companionship to knock on the door of the family I spy on my way to work; that would just be creepy.
I recently started to watch YouTube videos by Max Lucado, who is a best-selling Christian author and pastor at Oak Hills Church in San Antonio, Texas. He has a series on prayer called, Your Best Ten Minutes. Your best ten minutes are about prayer. Even if I did not know how to pray, Max teaches this simple prayer: “God you are good. I need help; so do they. Thank you.” This prayer packs a punch. Each part of this prayer is a conversation starter with God. When this little prayer is barely a whisper, Jesus knocks on our heart, to be with us eagerly waiting to hear our praises to Him as well as share what hurts us and what hurts others. According to Max, “Prayer is the hand of faith on the doorknob of my heart”.
Revelation 3:20 NIV
“God you are good. I need help; so do they. Thank you.”
I never will eat breakfast alone again!!
My drive to work is a leisurely 25 mph around 7 a.m. through a residential neighborhood. Some houses along the route illumine against the dark winter morning sky. Families are waking at this hour and because they do not have window coverings, I am allowed a glimpse of their morning routine.
For example, I pass a house with a little child pushed up close to the table in a high chair sitting to the left of an adult at the head of the table. The adult is feeding the child, which to most of you reading this is no big deal. One of those, “been there, done that” moment in life. But to me, who was never blessed with a child, this is a moment I can only imagine taking place in my kitchen.
In the morning before work, I eat breakfast alone.
My house illumines the dark winter mornings as I eat breakfast. If there was a knock at my door so early in the day, I would be hesitant to open it.
But from this verse in a literal sense, I would have to open the door in case it was Jesus standing there. I would invite Him in and be awestruct that He was there How would I know it was Jesus, though? this day and age, I think I would be afraid of someone knocking at my door early in the morning. However, the light illumining in the dark winter sky had attracted someone to knock.
I do not have window coverings on the window in front of my sink, but my kitchen is in the back of my house. Let’s assume this is you in the morning going about your routine with your child and suddenly there is a knock at your door.
You are in your pajamas, or robe, and your hair is a mess from sleeping. You breathe in the palm of your hand to check just how bad your morning breath resonates. Are you going to open the door to see who is calling at such an early hour? You really cannot hide from the visitor because you have no window coverings.
What if Jesus was riding through your neighborhood and stopped at your house because He saw you eating breakfast through an undressed window?
Jesus knocks at your door.
Today we drove 5 hours, round trip, to celebrate the life of my brother-in-law. I did not know very many of the people there, but it was a nice turn out of family and friends who were touched by his life. Although drugs consumed a big part of his life, the bigger part was when he met Jesus on his own road to Demascus. He was on fire for the Lord and that makes my heart happy. Distance and finances had kept us from really getting to know each other, but I do recall one Easter brunch in a restaurant several years ago, I had the opportunity to sit next to him and we talked “God”. It was a refreshing conversation, especially on Easter, my favorite holiday of the year. We had a few telephone conversations after that brunch and we shared God stories. I love sharing God stories.
I recall when my niece, Jill, passed away a little over three years ago. My brother-in-law heard the news and called me while I was at the funeral home with hundreds of people paying their respects to her and my family. He shared the love of Jesus with me and comforted me with his prayers for peace. He shared Easter with me in December.
In the last leg of our journey home this evening, we passed the bus station. The dark evening sky and the lights inside the station made it so I could see the bench that my two sisters and I sat on as we waited for a bus to transport one of my sisters back home after the funeral for Jill. I remember how I did not want my sister to leave. The closeness of family is the only thing I can grasp onto at such times and sitting on the bench made me want to stop time and keep my sister here with me.
Death is a wake up call. We feel close to those we love; we cling to those we love that are still with us. But as time moves forward, we hit a snooze button and “forget” we had that closeness. Life moves on.
Even though we know we will all one day die, death is a shock. Recent posts on Facebook of death notices include the familiar comment, “remember to spend time with your loved ones as you never know when someone will be called home”. Why do we have to be reminded to spend time with those we love?
Funerals are the one occassion we stop what we are doing and pay our respects. Our pictures and stories become extra special as we recall the relationships that have suddenly ended. Distance doesn’t seem to matter when there is a death. Most funerals are held only when everyone can be there that needs to be there. We take the time to travel to be there. Whether it is a 5 hour round trip or a bus ride across a few states; we make the time because we know love. This love is what Jesus taught us.
Godspeed to the newly deceased. To be absent from the body means they are present with our Lord. Rest in peace dear brother-in-law, great is your reward.
16 For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.