iBelieve

Immediately the boy’s father exclaimed, “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!” Mark 9:24

Archive for the category “Infertility”

Late Night Visitor – Grief Takes a Holiday


I feel like I have much to say, as well as nothing to say, because today is Mother’s Day. Read more…

Exiting the Closet


On November 9, 2010 I came out of the closet on this blog. Not the typical closet that most are accustomed to hearing about; I came out of an even more secret closet…the childless closet. This is the blog Blessing in Disguise, if you have not read it before.

It was a very vulnerable move on my part as only select people were privy to this information in the past. So why did I do it? I did it because I made peace with this part of my life.

I am a charter member of ChildlessNotByChoice, a childless website begun in 2002. I owe so much to Diane and Kimberly who founded the site out of their own need for a childless community. I thank the members there for their virtual hand-holding and understanding of the pain, fears, and frustrations of being childless not by choice. With all of their support, I have been able to make peace with my surgically removed dreams of motherhood.

For years I focused on the fact that children are a gift from God, and I wasn’t given this gift. I felt left out and I allowed this to block my view of all of the other blessings that God has given me. I realized this week that even though I am a parent to none, God’s children are everywhere and every age. I am able to share His word and love with God’s children I never bore.

I made my exit from the childless closet to let you know that while I was in there, I struggled with what I thought should have been my blessing. In my humanness, I was angry and confused with God.

Today, I am walking in faith, by the grace of God, knowing that I am right where I should be. I extend to you my virtual hand to hold, along with my virtual shoulder to lean on, from this day forward. I am willing to listen to you without judging, walk along side you without running away, and pray for you unceasingly. Whatever burden you carry, I want you to know the love of God.

This is a confidential invitation. I will only share your burdens in prayer with God.

Ephesians 3:14-19(NIV)

For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

Life Scenes


There is a pounding in the chest,
a faucet at the pores,
a deflated self-confidence,
a slow dance viewed from the wall.

There is a brightness so blinding,
a boom so deafening,
a chatterbox so muting,
a relationship that lives in abuse.

There is a movement in the lawn,
a bird in the tree,
a squirrel on the fence,
a cat in quest of a hunt.

There is a vacancy in the womb,
a longing to conceive,
a desperation to pro-create,
a prohibiting reminder that is flowing.

There is a machine to purify,
a food consumption ritual,
a phone call in the night,
a kidney that is ready for new life.

There is a forgiveness freely given,
a peace beyond understanding,
a hope not of this world,
a name that is written in the Book of Life.

Perseverance


Perseverance is as unique as each individual.

As well as many other women, I am infertile.  I persevere to find meaning in life as a non-mother, while other women may persevere the legal hoops and red-tape to be an adoptive parent. Neither reaction is wrong, but we continue to persevere.

People diagnosed with cancer persevere to live one more day while researchers and doctors persevere to find a cure. A baby learning to walk perseveres each new step stronger than the last. The alcoholic perseveres sobriety. Mother Teresa persevered a lifetime of feeling that God had abandoned her.

Perseverance is as unique as we are unique to each other. If you notice someone having a rough day, go easy on them. You never know what they are in the middle of persevering.

James 1:4 NIV

Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

Unconventional Mother’s Day


Infertility erases Mother’s Day from the calendar.

No handmade cards or hand-picked dandelions from the yard.

No messy kitchen or breakfast in bed.

No mother’s ring on my finger.

 

Infertility opens doors to nurture.

Instinctively the young know who will care for them.

Mother’s day has special meaning.

Psalm 119:76 (NIV)

 

 May your unfailing love be my comfort, according to your promise to your servant.

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