It’s Not You, It’s Me
I wish I could accurately explain the mental anguish infertility causes me sometimes. Just turning the calendar from October to November puts the theme song to the movie Jaws in my head. November 9, 1992, I had a total hysterectomy due to severe endometriosis. I begin this day as if there is a string of yellow caution tape around me because I cannot predict how my emotions will run as I push through this twenty-seventh anniversary of known infertility.
I admit I lack proper etiquette when I am around pregnant women and new moms. What am I supposed to ask a pregnant woman having never experienced the body-changing journey of pregnancy? Awkwardly, I ignore the “elephant” in the room and act like I don’t see the protruding belly. Then once the baby arrives, I don’t know if I should ask to meet the new baby or wait to be invited. This is real mental anguish for me as I am a people-person at heart.
If you are a follower of this blog and know me personally, understand that I mean no harm to our relationship when I self-protect. Certain holidays, conversations about babies and toddlers, and dates on the calendar such as today, put me in a self-protective mode. The famous relationship quote, “It’s not you, it’s me” could be heard coming from my lips at any time due to the mental anguish infertility causes me sometimes.
Even with the yellow caution tape around me today, I am standing with my arms lifted high in praise to my Father God and Creator. If I were a parent to one or two children, then I may not have the time and energy to help others around me. I have been blessed with the freedom to drop everything at a moment’s notice to be there for anyone who needs help. I have been blessed with a college education, as well as many hours and classes that have shaped, and continue to shape, my spiritual life. I have been blessed in so many ways just by leaving the mental anguish of infertility at the foot of the cross. God has bigger plans for me than being a parent and His plans are currently being revealed. I am excited for what is to come.
November 9, 1992 used to be known to me as the date that ended hopes and dreams I envisioned for myself, but God has provided new hopes and dreams that I never imagined possible. Let go and let God. I repeat, “Let go and let God.”
Revelation 21:5 (NRSV)
5 And the one who was seated on the throne said, “See, I am making all things new.” Also he said, “Write this, for these words are trustworthy and true.”