Day of Discovery
A comment made to me the other day exhumed pain that I thought I had buried.
The comment was, “You are never happy.” There was much more said after this comment and it does have a place in context, but those four words carry me to the grave site of broken dreams and reasons for unhappiness.
The month of May is hard for me as it reminds me that I will never receive a handmade card that spells out ‘I love you mommy’ in a scrawl that only a mother can make out. The month of May will never invite me to breakfast in bed serving me inedible pancakes served next to dandelions in a cup of water.
Childlessness is deafening. Childlessness is a pain in my core.
I could stop here and have you feel sorry for me, but that is never the message I want to send.
Picture three circles. The outer circle is the largest and in it I place everything out of my control. The second circle sits inside the outer circle and houses decisions I have made in my life. The third circle sits inside the second circle and contains the Father, the Son, the Holy Spirit, and me.
When comments such as “You are never happy” are fired at me, I run and dive into the third small circle and take refuge. There is an army packed in that center that will always shield and counsel me from the pain of this world.
I realize that being childless is out of my physical control, and based on personal decisions, I am not raising a child even though it is the cry of my heart. God formed me to be in this space and time. He has a plan for this void and I think it is to simply draw me closer to Him.
To the comment that I am never happy, I have to agree, deep down I am not. (Is anyone truly happy in this world?) When I take my thoughts off myself and spend time in the third center circle, I am happy. In this center is peace, kindness, gentleness, and love. This type of happy is hard to explain because it defies the pain of this world. It becomes a mountain top experience type of happy.
Being told that I am never happy has been a challenge for me to examine myself and find where I have been happy. My sin is of omission; I hoard my experience rather than share it.
I suggest you draw out the circles on a piece of paper and take some personal time listing out everything out of your control, and all the different decisions that you have made in your life that bring you to today. Then step into the center circle just as you are and experience happy.
John 6:63 (NIV)
The Spirit gives life; the flesh counts for nothing. The words I have spoken to you—they are full of the Spirit.